he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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