I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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