I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
