oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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