so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
