i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
