grandma shit on top of the toilet
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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