She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
