I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
