It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
did i just pee glitter
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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