I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
party gras won. party gras always wins.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i think im in europe. pls send help
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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