I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize