The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
