I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize