Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
