Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
