while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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