you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
