false alarm. still invincible.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
