I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
