Plan B is the new Plan A
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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