My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
