So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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