I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
