all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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