I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
