Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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