and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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