Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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