dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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