i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
