My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
