Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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