I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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