My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
