Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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