please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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