I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
