Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
