You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
