I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
