Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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