What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I have aggressive nipples.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
