Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
