WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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