If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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