I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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