just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
