So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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