Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
