also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
