enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
