my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
whose ass print is on the piano?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize