be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
