I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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