i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
