During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
