I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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