one two three fourrrrnication!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
