I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
