I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
