Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
