Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
