cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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