i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
