it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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