You smell like stripper and shame
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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