I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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