Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize