i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
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