The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
