Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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