In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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