just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
