my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
