it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
