My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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