does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize