There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
