Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
