thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize